Is it goodbye?

A year ago today Admire was created, a year ago today I decided to share my story of the ups and downs that create the heartbeat of life, that’s what everyone says right. The ups and downs show you that you’re alive so embrace them. Over the past year there’s been a lot of these times and recently I’ve gained a year that brought me so much closer to the time limit I have so cleverly set myself to get my life sorted, meaning by my 20th birthday I will at least know a direction of where I’m heading or at least heading into the idea of contentment being within my future, yes I love putting pressures on my mental capability and emotional stability. I’ve always said that I will have it all sorted by the real adulthood age which is, of course, the year you leave the teenage mess behind, so just under 365 days until I need to know where the hell I’m going. Maybe it’s my struggle with perfection or the pressure I need to keep myself going. Or I  wouldn’t bother getting out of bed in a morning because I generally don’t see the point in doing so.

When I look back over the past year, this blog has been the most depressing place I’ve existed within and that’s generally ok because I could write for hours about the pain my head is dragging me through with my hands crawling at the floor to escape  but it meant the only place I would drag people into my world of self-hate and darkness was over the internet. The whole aim of this blog in the first place to make sure I could rant and express my inner demons on a platform that meant I wasn’t taking it out on the people around me and not bringing them into my world of pain when they have already seen too much. But recently I’ve learned that I also have let this tender part of my life become so obvious in the real life world, I’ve let myself cry in the public eye and suck the life out of the people around me, a very human leech of happiness. Which makes me question the point of Admire The Beautiful, after all, it isn’t what the name expresses. I wanted to create my search for contentment and share my journey with the internet world hoping to create my happiness with a space of positivity and travel dreams instead I created my own little gateway to hell, a place where I have created my leech personality and mistakenly thought of as attention seeking illness a misguided view of what mental health really looks like, feels like and is like. I created a place where I can write the thoughts in which I think I feel but express them with darker words and more intense voice to them rather than the blubbering mess I’m used to hearing echoing through my mind. I sure as hell don’t  know who I am, yes I know my name, my gender, age, and sexuality but nothing more. I’m not sure of my path, my future if there is one or who I want to become. Like many other people my age, I’ve been thrown into a decision early on in our life to decide what we want to be when we grow up when all we can really think about is getting drunk and having sex. But I thought I had my heart  set on a career path and I knew exactly what my dream was when I finally discovered writing and stories in media  but after a short time at college my brain was beginning to betray me and the final straw  was being told “I’m not fit to do that” / “I’m not mentally strong enough” to be who I wanted to be, to do what I wanted to do so that was it I dropped out of college and found something I thought I wouldn’t hate doing. Boy, was I wrong? After I finally got an apprenticeship of what I thought was something cool but it turned out to be nothing like I read up and the learning was way ahead of my own knowledge and I was lost in a classful of people who completely understood. Making me feel inadequate, stupid and I lost all hope and confidence in myself and what knowledge I actually had. So I fell out with bothering to go for the measly price of 3.30 that hardly kept me going. My mood was mardy and snappy I sounded harsh and a teen with a bad attitude which was completely opposite to my personality. I was losing track of myself and even who I wanted to be…

 

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