I seem to have been really busy doing absolutely nothing. I’m tired and always rushing around trying to squeeze too many things into 24 hours when I know for sure it isn’t possible especially when I need sleep to keep me functioning to the appropriate human level that is acceptable.
Shouldn’t I be preparing marketing materials for an exciting new event in March or shouldn’t I be planning my application to university rather than sitting around and being busy doing nothing. Is it called procrastination? I’m a finding any excuse to do avoid the responsibilities I know I want. I want all of these things to be successful but I don’t have the ‘time’, ‘motivation’ or ‘mental preparation’ to do this. Or so I think, but then I can it’s called procrastination isn’t it. A thing that everyone takes a strong part in throughout their life, generally more than once at that fact. We hate to be prepared in this world, we like to run around last minute panicking, forgetting many things and generally rushing in an endless spin of last minute oblivion. The way we as humans are is extremely tiring.
I myself procrastinate because it’s an easy way to dull my anxiety at that moment in time. I feel I can’t do it so I just push it to the back of my mind before it’s got the best of me. I feel sick at the thought of trying to get into university in case I hate it the way I hated college and I’m sure I couldn’t survive another year of torture like that. But I also strongly believe I need to do something or else I’ll drive myself crazy hiding in the four small walls surrounded by my own self-pity and self-hatred. Constantly having a battle with myself because of the extreme way I think about my ability. Never mind the damage the constant rejection letters do to my little insecure head.It’s pathetic really.
I don’t really have much to say about anything else today, A cloud of negativity is hanging over me for the last few days and I’ve lost all motivation to say happy things and stick to the new year’s resolution that I promised myself would be a success. So I sit here in my once again messy and cramped room feeling extremely alone and even more so sorry for myself. At a less time than I thought I would manage.
The mind of a teen is a truly depressing place to live. Here’s to becoming 20 where I have my life together, I’m sure I have much chance of that.