January 1st, 2017 00:01. A new years resolution, something that comes around every 365 days, every 12 months and is probably quit after the first 5 weeks. It’s something in which we all think about in the last few days of December and probably involves the 3 stone we’ve all put on within the month of Christmas (yes, it’s not just a single day now is it.) Or even something to do with becoming a better person by giving to charity or being kind to everyone you see and smiling every day. Promises that can hardly be kept.
Well, you may think that this is one of these. But however, you’re probably right I’m not losing weight or even trying to be a better person for anyone else. I’m simply trying to smile more than once in a week, give myself positive vibes and not hate myself every chance I get to walk past a window or even my reflection in the computer screen. I’m not trying to change myself or even become a better person.Not that I’m sure I can last more than 3 days never mind the 5-week average before thinking something negative about myself or my life. It’s a struggle I have been in a constant fight with for the past 10 years of my life and can’t seem to battle this no matter how many ‘resolutions’ I make, it never seems to stick. I understand that setting a resolution to smile everyday is setting myself up to fail, we are all sad on the occasion and almost everyone suffers feelings of depression at any point throughout their lives.
Maybe this it proof that resolutions just aren’t anything to be involved within and promises that last a year just can’t be kept. Unfortunately, we all try to better every year within a pointless exercise to improve ourselves in a way that doesn’t seem possible to me well maybe that’s because I fail every time. And I use the word ‘fail’ because that’s what I generally believe is true I don’t have the motivation, willpower or strength to keep it up for a matter of minutes never mind weeks, apparently.
I’d like to backtrack a few moments to understand my point in new years resolutions and how a promise for a year is something we all aim to do, we set ourselves goals to improve our self-worth to not only everyone else but sometimes our-self as well. I would really like to understand the fact the majority of the human race will at least think about setting a goal for 2017 and more likely will fail this year but still want a goal for 2018. To improve and constantly work on their selves at this risk of failure, ending in feelings of hurt, sadness, and misery. I want to set goals/ resolutions for this very reason, I want to improve my own self-worth but not for everybody else but just for myself. I know that something needs to be done to improve my mental and emotional stability within the world and how I see myself. So by setting this goal, I hope to improve myself to a level that I no longer have to write on my mirror or stick a hulk mask over my reflection or plaster myself in foundation to be able to leave the house (it may not seem that I have a serious makeup issues but it’s there.)
I hope that involving myself in this tradition and risking breakdown from failure, I can become the person I so desire to be. The person that I am after vodka; not arrogant, aggressive or even big headed but social. I wish I’d be able to talk to strangers without a sudden rush and lightheaded feeling that I can’t shake. I want to be a ‘normal’ teenager that strives for night outs and random conversation or even just be confident enough to walk through my hometown ( a place a know very well) without my head stuck to the floor avoiding eye contact and awkward half meant smiles.
How I wish I could be the same with a different outlook on life or be in love with the scars, twist, and bones that my body is made up of or the awkward crimson chin that becomes the centre of concentration. But unfortunately I can’t change any of those things, I wish I could but I can’t. I’m stuck with what I’ve got and I want to change my thought of it, I want to be body confident enough to feel ok in a bikini or baggy top I want to wear short sleeves and not have people put their fingers round my wrists and telling me I’m really skinny like I don’t see it every morning. I want to be able to eat without my hand covering my small portion of my face. I want and want. This sounds like a greedy news years resolution.