When it hits you

Here I go again, with failing to become a person I so desire to be (even though I understand that I as a person am ok enough to just be me)after countless times I have babbled and aimed to  better myself in mental ability and emotional stability, I always seem to be back on the same road I know so well. Every rock , bend, and uneven pathway are now part of my family. A road that makes everything surrounding me turn black, turn to a thing I hate even when deep down I really don’t. It’s like a switch turns in my head that I can’t seem to find an off button for.

My minds like the first frost, foggy, confusing and cold. A place where many things get lost and the others just look like shadows of death. Something you’d find in creepy and the occasional teen movie.That’s why many of things that are in my head never leave my mouth, this is where I sound like a crazy person.

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A bad day is just code for an emotional overload that I can’t seem to bare through like all the rest of the days. A day where everything that has built up throughout my life explodes over everything in touching distance. I should come with a warning sign on days like this because I can honestly say that even I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of a person that in that moment has lost the ability to see through the hate that she ‘believes’ surrounds her. The hate that is thick and in her head builds up so the people closest to her become her secret sworn enemies without doing a thing.

I feel crazy just thinking about the way my brain works and how out of it I must seem to everyone else in this world. When I’m not hiding within myself. But to backtrack to my original point I feel myself slipping into the same regime that I was at my worst, hiding my fears and being alone*when I know for a fact that I’m not alone. I hide  away and let me become an emotional wreck that destroys pretty much everything in my path and ruins my chances of discovering a happier , more confident self.

I lose my motivation within seconds and can’t seem to push myself to the expectations I build so highly when everything seems to be going right. Which obviously I never seem to make the cut for this which knocks my low self-esteem and self-worth to a record-breaking bottom.

The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had

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