In just a few days, I’ll be back on the desperate hunt for another job to pay the bills and save for my ever so fading hopes of travel. I can already feel the rejection that tastes ever so familiar to me, unknowingly that once I finally found not one but two jobs I’d be back to the place where the no’s and non-replies sweep through my inbox at a frequent rate. The emails that break your confidence and hope of getting a job you didn’t really want in the first place, which is why it baffles me when my heart drops every time.
But when I say ‘ hope of getting a job you didn’t really want in the first place’ I mean a job that I wanted and needed more than I’d care to admit. A job that I hope could give me the confidence to talk to many different people and expand my circle indefinitely. Which is why I lose hope every time an automatic email comes to me with the ‘unfortunately’ scraping through the subject line leading to my delicate mind enforcing me to believe I’m no good and I’m back to stage one of training my negative mind to become a little bit more positive. But really I’m going in a swirl where I will never be back to my old self. I will be a step ahead of my old self and a position ahead from my mental ability.
For me, the hope of getting my ‘American Dream’ or English dream for that matter is fading into the depths of my mind like a childhood memory that’s patched from lost moments of the day and black and white scenes that were nothing on the original. It’s a thing I’m losing hope in being able to be and do frankly, from loss of motivation but it’s really the amount of money I haven’t got and all the life that’s going to be in the middle of me now and the appropriate time to spread my wings. With that and the constant hovering of social anxiety that stops me from speaking to the nicest of strangers,it makes it difficult for me to be able to take the brave decision of leaving and finally discovering myself.
With my training coming to an end and the hopes of becoming a millionaire a chance I haven’t been granted yet. I need a plan to overcome the rejection and aim for my faded dream to come back to a full frontal goal that I have every intention to complete. This I need to work harder than I believe is possible to achieve but somehow my motivation, patience and happiness is slowing fading in to my very own little oblivion. An oblivion that leads to screaming, shouting and endless amounts of tears that I simple can’t control.Is this what my young naive mind has come to believe and constantly rerun through the mess that many call my brain and inner conversationalist?
Maybe this is what growing up feels like, maybe the constant rejection you feel from endless auto- replies is preparing you for the rough ride that life is sure to give you, or maybe I’m too sensitive to things that many people brush off like nothing had happened. But regardless of the maybe’s it’s the life I’ve come a custom to, the rejection is a given but the after feeling of pure disappointment and common hatred of yourself when you understand you just wasn’t ‘good enough’, whatever that means, is something I will never get used to, no matter how many times this feeling hits me through out the day or even through out an hour.
It’s a feeling of rejection and I’m welcoming it back in to my life with open arms and tear soaked cheeks.