Holiday Blues – Maybe it’s the place

After a week of sun, sea and amazing memories {photos and videos to follow} I have learnt a few things ; The blue sky is definitely my type of gazing material rather than the grey cloudy ones I have come a custom to dismissing in my hometown. I can, in fact, live without the constant social connection mobile data gives me . And in fact, I can organise myself completely without the watchful eye of my parents. Well almost fully, there has been a few slip ups of my organisation skills but nothing like my original panic of missing my flight or my passport being rejected. But never the less, I managed to get on the plane with hardly any fuss, there’s always a panic that my part cyborg self will set the alarm (even when I know it won’t my heart stops every time.)img_1005

To me, I have pushed myself extremely and achieved many frightful tasks I would normally push as a bad decision,something I couldn’t complete or even think about doing on my own and continue to be the awkward goat I am. To me, this holiday has opened my eyes to the opportunities that I can actually achieve if I a.) put my mind to it or b.) woke up in the sun. But as soon as the wheels touched down in rainy Manchester or the tyres of our little Phoebe that’s a punto slid across the border into Sheffield the rain got thicker, the clouds got greyer and the emotional drain lifted to an all-time high. The simple task of sitting in Mcdonald’s with shorts on,pale white legs brought extreme anxiety and several million scenes flooded into my head, that I know had a small chance of happening. But I couldn’t bring myself to do this. The anger of going back to reality scared me and it all melted out into a boiling rage that sadly got aimed directly at my loving boyfriend potentially ruining our trip together . This deeply confused me,as how can a little bit of sun change the way I look at my life, change my confidence and how I think about certain aspects that have evolved.Maybe it’s not the weather, maybe its the place.

 

I’ve become the thing. The one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is deep, so palpable, I fear I’ll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass and cut myself with shards of broken reflection – Jax Teller

 

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I blamed it on’Holiday blues’and I had/have them bad, no surprise as the holiday was well needed, a four year wait to get on that flight to be exact and it went over in a flash like a pen hitting the floor. As soon as we landed we were already boarding the plane to come back, a 3 hour 10 minutes flight that had generated endless counts of memories over a period that seemed like seconds but the wait lasted a lifetime. I must have entered a paradox of time that also made me immune to a little tan as I came home just a pale as the day I left. The hours passed like seconds, the day passed like hours  and the week flew by like just a day had gone by. My view of St Julian’s was magical, beautiful and admiring it was beaches, sea and scenes that could only be described as from a postcard. I loved every second and just wish I didn’t have to come home so soon, I could travel for a life time.

It’s just a little strange how in a place where I’m a visitor, tourist, foreigner i was able to find this mini thread of confidence where I could occasionally ask for drinks or go to the till under my own steam. I’m no where near saying I magically lost my constant social anxiety and crippling panic at the slight human interaction that comes naturally. But it was different, I felt like all the cloud that hangs over me disappeared as soon as the countdown was finally at its closing hours, the rain stopped over my head and the rainbow suddenly came out to show me the simple colours that I’ve been missing. The place I call home has something hidden in the floor that leads me to over thinking, over panicking and over sadness. A trilogy I at the best can’t handle  but force myself to because I understand my roots are grounded and there’s no escaping them at this time and I’ve come to think that no matter where you are life can always be tough but maybe it’s the place. It has too many memories, too many people that believe they know me and too many thoughts that are all to common in mind that seem to destroy every inch of the Molly I so desperately want to be. The person I need to be to achieve all the dreams that will create I know I’m meant to be. To discover the person I am after I’ve stopped hiding me from the demos that surround me.

 

Maybe its the place.

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One thought on “Holiday Blues – Maybe it’s the place

  1. Looking forward to seeibg the photographs if the two teasers are anything to go by.
    Shhh don’t tell anyone but I feel that maybe those around you those who love you. Will always love you unconditionally and are probably most definitely looking forward to watching the Molly that you so desperately want to become emerge.

    Liked by 1 person

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