Lately, I’ve been thinking about what the future holds for me, where I will be in 10 years, 5 or even 1 years time. What I’m meant for and how I will cope with the things I’m yet to see and do. Where I’ll be when the person closest to me is discovering their self in whole new ways and how I will survive without that shoulder to cry on that I’ve depended on all these years. I’ve thought about it and talked about it long enough to the point I’ve made second thoughts cross minds.
With this in a constant place, it’s driving me into a craze tear drowning heartbreak that is pretty much unexplained when looking for clarity on the madness but to me, it all makes selfish sense. I need to find something within my life that will bring balance to the madness, something that can make my life not about the one thing but about many things, I want to strive to wake up every day and look forward to doing something for myself and seeing places that not even the daydream could imagine. But, unknowingly to me I’ve fallen a trap to my own warning. An easy mistake to make in the new world and a popular one at that because I’ve seen many people do it and many people fall to the heartbreak that most certainly follows. I promised I wouldn’t fall into this trap again but here I am struggling to breath when air surrounds me.But it’s the type of suffocation that makes the breathlessness worthwhile, that’s scary but they’re moments of clarity where it’s okay to be the one that just can’t seem to catch a breath. Where the world stops moving and every day becomes a blur but movies and songs somehow make sense and your step gets lighter with everywhere you walk. The steps may lead on different paths to the one you wish you could share, a tension-ridden lonely stroll that can make a person fear for the future, fear for what has to happen and I have come to the realisation of this over the past few weeks. I knew it was happening, I just didn’t and still don’t know what I’m meant to be doing tomorrow or over the next few years that are sure to drag.
So now, I’m on the hunt for my other thing. Something that can ease the bad days like that one thing can. I don’t know what it’ll be or where I will find it but I’m sure it must come around at some point in the circle of my life.I also know I will never be at the starting point that I have become to land as my home space. However, in 9 short days, I will step closer to finding my one thing when I get on a plane for my first holiday without my parents a scary and exciting trip that I have been counting down for from ninety odd days and it’s finally around the corner, I can feel the heat and the cocktails already. Which makes it even better when I get to spend this first holiday with the one that changes my day (soppy I know). A holiday I’ve spent months of wages restocking my summer wardrobe and finally buying summer shoes whatever they are.
Here’s to the fastest nines days possible and the slowest week after. And to the photos that follow may they be beautiful and full. This week in the sun will hopefully give me some idea of what I’ll be doing for the next one, five or even ten years time. How I will face the world and what I will cope with. Where my breaking point is and what my love for is.
Every flower has to grow through dirt