The future of self-survival

Today has really opened my eyes to the world in which we live in, I have discovered that the world isn’t against just me but everyone else as well, I’ve learnt that I’m simply a hypocrite, that doesn’t follow what she preaches. I tell many people my age that are suffering that everything happens for a reason and you can fight whatever you are going through but tend to give up several times a day. Making it incredibly hard to live my life the way I only dream it to be.

Throughout the day, I’ve thought and talked about what’s happening/ed in my life and learnt that many of us have or are going through very similar things and the world isn’t kind to everyone. I’ve discovered that college isn’t a place that everyone is comfortable in and many people struggle with the transition from school to a very different environment of college where I persoanally felt isolated and lonely every single day of the year. Deflated by the time it took to travel there to sit in a room that I generally didn’t fit in or even get noticed by my peers.It was the same routine of the first day of secondary school where I was scared, hopelessly awkward because I’m simply unable to make friends or talk to anyone without melting into a tomato shade mess. It’s embarrassing for a teen to be so self-conscious that they aren’t physically able to talk to other people or even manage to not look like the resting bitch that constantly takes habitat on my face. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve had people ask what is wrong and why I’m sad when really I’m just staring in to space, day dreaming or even happy. A thing I’ve gotten used to by the end of secondary school because I just generally have one of them faces.

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Make this city , Sheffield Hallam university poster

I’ve thought about my future plans and the sickening thought that I can’t get where I want to without finishing off my qualifications at college and then university which doesn’t seem so bad but to me, this is my worst nightmare frankly. I have given up on the hopes of getting my dream job because I can’t bare to go back to college. I couldn’t cope with the constant fear of going back to hit rock bottom again, struggling for survival in the worst way possible. After being shot down by several people and told I wasn’t mental available to do this I frankly don’t have the confidence to even give it my best shot.

Even though I spoke about all these things and more. I learnt a lot about the people around me, I learnt that some of the closest people to me struggled at college maybe not in the same way but certainly fought their battles. 

A  lesson I learned today that everyone is going through shit some are worse than others and some are bigger than others doesn’t mean they are any less or more painful than the other. It means we battle the same world to end up being buried below it.

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Beautiful sunrise sent through by my wonderful boyfriend (James) to show me his photography skills 
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2 thoughts on “The future of self-survival

  1. Exactly. Everyone has a battle. To some it’s trauma to others, it’s a hitch.
    Only we experience our experience.
    Only we can change our experience of the experience.
    Its all a journey with the same ending.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this so much! I’ve had the same feelings most of my school years and it didn’t get easier at university. I’m on a gap year at the moment with no desperate desire of going back.. I don’t like giving advice but if you’re not sure about university at the moment I would encourage you to take a year off to think about what you’d like to do, I wish I had not rushed into the decision and doing it just because everyone else was. Good luck and take care 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

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