When willpower is trumped by Monday blues

Monday blues are far worse than anything that has been classed as Sunday frustration or Wednesday hump day delusions. After a weekend of pure happiness, no stress  and relatively anxiety free, the 6:30 alarm echoes through my head like a cheesy pop song or lift music that brings me back to the reality I’ve so desperately tried to escape. We are back to the panics of everyday life , walking through strange streets,talking to people I do not feel I can and the constant jobs worries of a serious perfectionist and annoying diary planning freak that has a hint of control issues. Unfortunately.   

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I have the idea  that most of my life should have a plan and when that doesn’t  work out it tend to leads to frustration, panic attacks, and  hopeless worries. Since I was young I had a plan for my life, I had something in my head that I knew I was going to be. Whether it be a princess, pilot or a photojournalist.I knew I was going to be something amazing something that made a difference to the very little people I could impact. Yes, princess isn’t an easy job role to get into (if it’s classed as a job role ) you either have to be born into it or marry into it and I don’t think there’s a prince in the world that I could hook into, to have the life of a princess. A real named princess that is, so that was crossed off the list quickly. Pilot was the only one I was sure about for a very long time, I longed to be in the air having control of a craft that big. After all, I had a deep love for aircraft but as the years went by I realized it’s an expensive job role to hunt for and one I just wasn’t able to grab through financial or educational wise, once I figured that out my love simply went into other amazing things. And with Photo Journalism I lost hope with that when I realized I am nowhere near the mental ability(at this time) to do this on my own, after being shot down by people who are ‘meant’ to pull you into something closer.

When my plans went out of the window, the panics and stress seemed to get worse I had no idea what on earth I was meant to be doing in life and that scared me more to the fact that everyone else seemed to be getting by all cool with life and having a plan on how to get by and get what they desire (maybe they are good actors.) but this hurt me because I just didn’t understand what I was meant to be doing, where I was meant to be and how I was meant to be doing it. After all, I had a plan throughout my life and now I just don’t have a single bit of an idea where I belong. It’s scary.

Being a typical, control freak I was scared because I have no plan on how to lead my life, no idea what is going on in my life and the control has suddenly left my hands with no warning no way of getting it back. I obsess and can’t get this problem out of my head without finding a solution for it. It doesn’t get out of my head until a plan is hatched and unfortunately for me, this ‘life plan’ is taking a lot longer than I expected. News to me it takes a lot longer than a year or so and now I’m at the stage where I’m even questioning my decision of leaving college and not finishing my qualifications (which would have helped a lot in getting where I wanted to go) but when I was there I feared it could have only got worse and I would have done something stupid. Or so I’m told I would have.
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Coming nearer the time where people my age are off on uni adventures and becoming an adult by moving out, enjoying their education and freshers week it makes me a little blue to think I’m still earning a little 3.30 an hour and no prospect of moving out anytime soon or even have a clue on where I want to lead my life at this point.But what can I do other than trial and error before finding my one thing.

I seem to have all good traits within, right?

 

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