I so long to leap feet first in to adventure, seeing the world in any means possible. I have the idea to chase the summer around the world and live in a bikini for as long as it’s OK to do so. Flying, sailing or driving from place to place to find the heat that brings the happiness out in my everyday life. Taking photos of every scene I stumble upon, those cliché knees and beach photos that swarm Instagram when the heat hits, the videos of cliff diving and snorkeling that have become my weakness. Just to see beautiful sights instead of surrounded by the same pollution and boring buildings that I have come so accustom to that I hardly even notice it anymore, it’s like walking around in the clouds of a storm.To me the grey skies of home just need to be escaped from and I so desperately need to see the world from someone else’s direction.
I know for sure that once I step on that plane I’ll have started the journey of discovery and I’ll begin finding myself in ways I thought I could never do. Finding myself by seeing new things (it’s such an ordinary dream), challenging my bravery and learning the ways of different cultures that puzzle my mind. It’ll change me for the better and I’ll become a stronger person for this. A more confident version of the girl everyone think’s they know. But I’ll know what I have a purpose for on this planet and I’ll know I can conquer my biggest fears and come out a different young woman than when I left.
I’d go wherever I could get the chance to, drinking cocktails in the Bahamas
or having shots in NYC or even ice tea on Sydney beach, i’d love every second of being away from home and this is coming from a girl who got home sick at a week long school trip. That’s why so many people will believe that there’s not chance for me to survive on my own in a place I don’t know.
The only problem with my elaborate plan of finding myself is, I don’t have the guts to do it. I’m stuck in my own bubble of self-hatred and self-doubt that’s holding me back from actually finding myself, which in turn is keeping me hating myself. It’s really a vicious cycle. I’m stuck hopelessly in my own mind full of the usual teens thoughts: that maybe alcoholism is the answer to all my problems and no I will never listen to my parents,kind of sulky attitude.But I can’t mentally believe in anything I do, I automatically go to the “you are s***” kind of thoughts instead of you can do this, your smart etc. And that’s even with my mum constantly enforcing that “there’s no such word as can’t” even when I have showed her time and time again that it does exist. My anxiety attacks make it difficult to even ask a question in a room of less than ten people or go to the counter to buy a cheese burger, never mind being able to get on a plane potentially on my own or walk the streets of a town I don’t know.Without falling in to a melting pool of loathing and awkwardness.
I’ve hit the point where I generally believe no matter how hard I try I most certainly can not. Which again my mum will argue there’s no such thing but I assure you, if there is I’ve reached it. Which is why the below is an extremely important part of finding myself and something I would suggest for awkward teens like myself to do.
Over the past few days I’ve had several panics about career paths,mental ability and social awkwardness.With that I believe I’ve come up with another way to overcome my social avoidance alone without having to go through pain stacking meetings and talks that a matter of fact just made me worse, not that I discourage this I just understand my problem and have come to terms that there’s no changing it through words but action. An action I’m going to enforce over my ’30 days of blogging’ and not give up as a bad job after the first day like many of my despairing attempts at boosting the morale.
The simple phrase said in many Rom-com movies that pretty much is a way of doing everything you want in short bursts of role play and something I’m going to live by until I’m strong enough
Fake it, till you make it.
And that’s pretty much all I have, the only possible way I’ll be able to find myself is faking it until I know what I am, where I belong and what I’m here to do. I guess I have no choice but to “wing it” a term stressed, worried and under prepared person uses more than daily.
One step closer to landing the plane of discovery.