My cry’s echoed off the walls I built up around myself. Hopeless and alone. I realised I’d made myself a closed book or a locked down building. Maybe not knowingly keeping everything I ever felt hidden inside me whirling around the tower of my head building up like an ever furious storm or a pan on heat. Until suddenly it burst out of me wrecking everything in its path and making me, a doppelgänger of myself that’s got the evil flare I’ve tried to bury for the best part of my life…
I’m something else, I’ve become something else maybe through lessons and experience or maybe through fears and anxiety. But I’ve changed from who I was just months ago. Unfortunately there’s no way I can make myself talk because no one will ever understand, they’ll come back with biased compliments or half helped advice that isn’t realistic for myself (not that I’m not grateful I just learnt who I am and what i am capable knowing no-one can change that opinion) I know this because I’ve tried and failed, it’s hard to put even the most confident person out on an emotional ledge leaping in to the judging hands of everybody who’s bothering to listen. Never mind an anxiety crippled teen that’s writing their own sadness in a blog claiming to look for the beauty of the world and possibly doing he opposite. Maybe I’m making my feelings worse by writing a blog to express my inner demons so to stay.
I feel I have become sad and anxious by what I have had to endure with judging eyes, hurtful words and monstrous panics.
I’m tired of writing like I’m the only one that’s struggling to become who they so desperately want to be. I feel I’m begging for the attention I’ve been hiding from for so long. Maybe I’m ready to build myself in to a more confident me, a more happy self or a different type of me.
I guess it’s going to be more difficult than it seems when I write it out, I’ve tried many things to help me think positively but I seem to lose motivation before I’ve even started. The happiness planner was there to help me set goals everyday and think about what positive things are happening in my life but it didn’t help, I got 20 maybe less days in and I haven’t seen the book since. That’s just because I don’t think positively easily and frankly I don’t have time in the morning so there’s no point setting goals halfway through the day. It makes me mad as I wanted so badly to succeed and become happy on my own that I tried so hard and was set up to fail because I was doing it on my own with a mind that’s set against me, plus I wasn’t motivated to do it because I was sure that i was ok . I’ve tried so many different things and none of them seem to work with me, I tried to talk but all my past got brought up and won’t leave my head, it just keeps popping up every so often. I understand that’s how the problem is discovered and in turn resolved but it hurt me to much to go diving in to the things that made me sad again and again.
So how can I make a future with my past being brought up like a deep cut that just won’t scar.
The past hurts so live for the now and hope for a better future – James Gibson
I guess he’s right the past will always leave the scar and the future can’t be told so my mind should be on the now and focus on what’s right, but how can that be with everything that goes wrong and ruins my day completely as I’m just not able to let go on little let downs with my mental wellness or self esteem.
I guess I’ll have to work on myself more than anybody else , but I know I can be who I want to be and I’ve proved that. By the way my confidence has grown since I left college. Yes I get nervous and panicky in most situations that involve human interaction but I manage to go to work without an issue, write like I’ve never been told it doesn’t sound good and take photos like I believe they are good.
After time I can make it like anybody else