Feeling is the problem 

I feel I’m screaming in to an empty room. Using all my energy and it doesn’t really make a difference, my voice to echos off the back walls and everything goes black like the demons in my head. Like I’m they only one that can see or hear myself. Like I’m alone in the world. Which is pretty much the script of my everyday life.
I set out to take the photos of old and new a few days ago and was struck by a sudden and unavoidable panic attack, leaving me with shakes and failure as I couldn’t even take the photos on my own. Not only that by my social anxiety kicked in as I wandered through my home town nothing but alone. How can I make it when I can’t even hold a camera up in front of people I don’t know.
Do I have any hope of making it alone?
In that moment I felt all my dreams slip even further down the land slide that is my life. Losing hope of ever managing to find anything to remotely make me happier or even content. (Don’t get me wrong I have people that make me so happy and when I’m with them it goes)
I know I can’t make it now, that just explains it all clearly enough. I’ve discovered what I can not achieve is what I so desperately want to be good at.
I feel I’m the star of my very own Truman show. And everyone’s laughing at me behind closed doors.
That’s my problem, I feel.. 

Welcome to my black heart 


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